Getting the story behind it wasn’t easy. Coolopolis Towers is located in an undisclosed offshore location and is heavily guarded. My credentials being as pathetic as they are, I would never have been allowed entry.
Instead, I sent in Mandy, a secret agent who’s been working for Fagstein WorldMedia Ltd. for many years (for reasons of security, I can’t show a picture of what Mandy looks like, but believe me she’s a knockout). Her charms easily got her past the first few layers of security, and her shameless appeal to Kristian Gravenor’s vanity quickly gained his trust. (The secret? Ask him about Azerbaijan.) Through some innocuous-sounding questions and by slipping some helpful chemicals into his drink, Mandy got Gravenor to spill the beans about Coolopolis. A hidden transmitter quickly beamed that information to my top-notch surveillance team sitting on a stealth dinghy nearby.
As the article points out, Mr. Gravenor is a fan of exaggeration. The “gorillas implanted with intelligence chips” are actually chimpanzees, and the chips are just GPS tracking devices. The “800 lb Godzilla-like dragon creature” that is supposed to be guarding the entrance can be generously described as maybe 400 lbs, and is hardly Godzilla-like at all. And “Ruprecht, Her Majesty’s Royal Mail carrier” is actually Roberto, a Mexican-born illegal alien who says his bosses haven’t paid him in weeks.
Instead of owning up to it, of course, Kristian appeals to my vanity, hoping that I’ll keep some of my findings to myself.
Not a chance. The world has to know about Coolopolis.