Because NHL contracts are complicated, I figured some training might be useful for us less-than-insane fans and well-wishers. In order to do that, of course, I had to read the collective agreement that was signed in 2005 after the lockout.

Unfortunately, I failed to realize that the agreement is over 450 pages long (PDF).

Didn’t get a lot of sleep that night. And I’m sure I still got a bunch of things wrong.

Not that I’m worried. If I fail at journalism here, I can always sign in Russia, right?

See also:

• July 2, 2008 — Salaries in perspective
• June 22, 2008 — TWIM: Dion’s carbon tax idea
• June 15, 2008 — Sorry for the genocide

• $8.7 million/year for Evgeni Malkin
• $7.45 million for one year for Marian Hossa
• $7.1 million/year for Brian Campbell
• $4.1 million/year for Mark Streit
• $4.5 million/year for former Canadiens goaltender José Theodore
• $5 million/year for former Canadiens goaltender Cristobal Huet

And yet, someone is going to make more next year than all of these people put together: Rush Limbaugh. And that’s not even including his $100 million signing bonus.

See also:

• July 7, 2008 — NHL free agency explained (I hope)
• June 5, 2008 — TSN gets 15 Habs games a season
• December 22, 2007 — TWIM: Violence in the NHL

Anyway, add to that the Boston-based New England Patriots went 18-0 last season before fucking it up in the Super Bowl, and it’s a pretty sweet time to be a Boston sports fan.

Unless of course, you like hockey.

And this is a perfect excuse to bring back my favourite Ryan Parker song. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you haven’t read this blog enough.

Enjoy.

See also:

• June 23, 2008 — Tonight’s forecast: dark
• May 26, 2008 — Real programmers use a magnetized needle and a steady hand
• April 26, 2008 — Jon Lajoie: SuperHab

It shows, I think, that the CBC vastly underestimated people’s connection with the song, and wants to do everything it can to save it.

UPDATE: Looks like it’s closer to dead again. CBC negotiators aren’t very optimistic.

UPDATE: CTV has just announced it secured rights to the song and plans to use it on TSN (and RDS). Wow.

UPDATE (June 12): Thank you Stephen Colbert. (CTV owns the Canadian rights to the Colbert Report through the CTV and Comedy networks, so he’s actually being half-serious about licensing the song.)

See also:

• June 5, 2008 — End of an anthem
• June 22, 2008 — Jim Prentice doesn’t understand his own copyright bill
• May 28, 2008 — Nosiree Bob

I know Getty Images likes to … play … with its photos to enrich their colour (make the Red Wings’ red uniforms look like they’re almost glowing).

But this photo by Bruce Bennett really takes the cake.

Unless Dallas Drake really did get his teeth ultra-whitened before lifting the Stanley Cup. (And Johan Franzen really is a vampire.)

More Photoshop disasters.

See also:

• February 11, 2008 — PicApp: Ads for copyright compliance?

The deal also opens a (slight) possibility of TSN covering a Canadian team during the playoffs. Basically if all three teams in one conference (Leafs/Sens/Habs or Oilers/Flames/Canucks) make it three teams make it to the playoffs, the CBC will pick two and TSN will get the third. If it’s four, CBC gets the fourth pick, then TSN, then CBC, then the last two go to TSN. Previously, CBC had rights to all playoff games involving Canadian teams, as well as the entire Stanley Cup final.

The Globe has details (thanks Josh)

The deal also gives TSN “broadband rights,” which might mean being able to watch some games online. But the media release doesn’t go into detail about that.

UPDATE: The NHL has also renewed its agreement with its “official beer sponsor” Bud Light, which will see crappy American beer marketed all across the league.

See also:

• July 7, 2008 — NHL free agency explained (I hope)
• July 2, 2008 — Salaries in perspective
• December 22, 2007 — TWIM: Violence in the NHL

Even without three star players on Brazil’s side, the odds against Canada winning are 15:1.

Can someone say “inevitable slaughter”?

UPDATE: 3-2 Brazil. That’s pretty impressive, actually. Imagine if Brazil almost beat us in hockey.

See also:

• October 25, 2007 — Rogers Sportsnet 2: Judgment play

Please folks, let’s not let this happen again.

See also:

• June 19, 2008 — We will not believe you
• May 27, 2008 — Georges-Vanier metro closes for summer
• May 12, 2008 — Metrovision at Bonaventure station

Just as the St. John’s Telegram sings his praises (the article is reprinted in today’s Gazette), comes the unconfirmed-but-they’re-really-sure-about-it news from the Globe that the CBC is phasing out veteran play-by-play announcer Bob Cole. This will be his final Stanley Cup broadcast, though he’ll stay on for regular-season games next year.

Listening to tonight’s game, it’s hard to challenge the decision.

See also:

• June 9, 2008 — The theme that wouldn’t die
• June 5, 2008 — End of an anthem
• January 16, 2008 — Hockey Night in Kanata, anyone?

Unfortunately.

Should we add it to the Habs song list, or just hope we can forget about it before next year?

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 3, 2008 — Your Habs playlist
• April 24, 2008 — Recognize any of these faces?

No need to keep stealing car flags.

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• May 3, 2008 — Your Habs playlist

Super Cauchon is doing his part, but that’s not enough. We all need to contribute.

To help warm up your fan muscles so you’re in top shape tonight, I’ve compiled some Habs-related songs from local radio stations. (Local radio stations being as useless as they are, hockey-related parody songs are one of the few things left that they can do pretty well).

I had a larger collection, but sadly most of them refer to a victory off the back of Cristobal Huet (or worse, José Theodore). So I had to scrap those.

Here’s what’s left, in no particular order:

They Made Us Believers

Parody of The Monkees’ I’m a Believer
via Q92

25 Feels a Little Like 93 (Video)

by Annakin Slayd
samples Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’
via Q92

On Va Faire Les Séries

by Rick Hugues
via Radio Énergie

On est plen dans les séries (Video)

by Ruck Hugues with Dominic et Martin
via Radio Énergie
(UPDATE: thanks bebehabs for the link)

On veut la coupe Stanley (excerpt)

by France D’Amour
via Rythme FM

Je déteste les Flyers

by Justiciers Masqués

GO HABS GO (on va gagner)

by Justiciers Masqués

La Fièvre du CH

by Alain Dumas
via RockDétente
a parody of I will Follow Him, which in turn is the English translation of Petula Clark’s French song Chariot (you learn something every day)

Bring the Cup Back Home

by Daniel Iorio
via Team 990

Go Habs Go (Montreal has gone insane)

by Christopher Pennington

Go Habs Go (J’entends crier)

by Christopher Pennington
via Team 990

Bleu Blanc Rouge la chanson

via CKAC

Chanson de Halak

via CKAC
Parody of Brown Eyed Girl

Les Canadiens sont là (Game On)

by Daniel Iorio
via Team 990
Parody of Celebration

Ghosts of the Forum

by Bob Olivier and Sylvie Choquette
via Team 990

I’m too sexy for this team

by Daniel Iorio
via Team 990
Parody of … well, isn’t it obvious?

Go Habs Go

by Speedhair
via Team 990

(Go Go Go Go) Go Habs Go

by Tag Radio

Go Habs Go (Allez la Coupe Stanley)

via 98.5fm

Any other suggestions? Or more detailed information on some of the songs linked to above? Let me know in the comments.

See also:

• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• June 9, 2008 — The theme that wouldn’t die
• June 5, 2008 — End of an anthem

Note: Please do not take this literally. Flyers fans are human too. If you see one trying to steal the purse of a helpless old lady, please report the matter to the police immediately and do not — I repeat: do not — beat the person to a bloody pulp.

See also:

• June 23, 2008 — Tonight’s forecast: dark
• June 15, 2008 — Go Boston
• May 26, 2008 — Real programmers use a magnetized needle and a steady hand

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• April 24, 2008 — Recognize any of these faces?

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

See also:

• July 8, 2008 — Gazette’s thinner TV Times
• June 23, 2008 — Sports by Fagstein
• June 19, 2008 — Far from black and white

I think we’ve found the real reason there was a riot around Crescent St. on Monday night: Bilal and CHOM’s Hockeyville (not to be confused with CBC/Kraft Hockeyville). Time to repent, Bilal…

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• May 5, 2008 — It’s over

More faces from the … ahem … “alleged” rioters of Monday night.

Also posted on YouTube is the security video of a Rogers Wireless store downtown that was looted Monday night. They couldn’t take any cellphones because those were tied to the display tables, and those prepaid phone cards are useless because they have to be pre-activated by the cashier. But have fun with those charging adapters, I guess.

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• April 24, 2008 — Round 2 begins tonight

Expect a similar kind of overreaction tonight as the Canadiens host the Philadelphia Flyers in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Semifinal tonight, from the police who will no doubt be present in higher numbers; from the media who will actually be present this time (besides just RadCan and TVA/LCN); and from the fans who won’t stand and cheer “Go Habs Go” as police cars are burned.

So don’t expect any riots tonight, win or lose. Just a lot of respectful cheering. (What police will do about moving violations and dangerous-but-only-to-you stupidity like running up and down on the roof of a moving bus is another question)

But in the unlikely event that things do get out of hand again, a few pointers:

1. Don’t even consider the prospect of vigilante justice. You’re just going to get yourself seriously hurt. You might even start a massive drunken brawl that will result in serious injuries for dozens of people.
2. Don’t go up to vandals and take pictures of their faces to show the cops later. Even in their drunken state, they’ll realize what you’re doing and attack you.
3. If you see vandalism and/or violence taking place, don’t stand there and take pictures, go to the nearest police officer and tell him/her what’s going on. Then leave the area so you don’t become part of the problem.
4. Have respect for the authorities. I’m sure most of them would love to be sitting at home or at a bar cheering on their team, but instead they have to miss the game and refrain from celebrating because a few drunken idiots can’t exercise some self-control.
5. Clean up after yourselves. And clean up after others. Litter is bad, and it makes us look bad.

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• April 24, 2008 — Recognize any of these faces?

As someone who was there, allow me to shine some light on the inaccurate impressions some of these newspaper columnists and radio hosts might be giving you:

Myth: Real fans don’t riot

Reality: Says who? I don’t see anything in the definition of “fan” that precludes such activity. Plenty of pundits are suggesting that the looters wouldn’t know Kostitsyn from Kovalev, but they have no evidence to back up that assertion. The pictures show plenty of the people involved were wearing Habs jerseys and/or carrying Habs flags.

Myth: The police stood by and did nothing while downtown was destroyed

Reality: The police were caught off-guard (as were, I might add, most news outlets who wrapped up their celebration coverage at 10:30). When the crowd got too big to control, riot police were quickly shuttled to where they were needed and chased down rioters as if they were invading a country. The fact that nobody got seriously hurt should be testament to the fact that the police succeeded in their first priority: safeguarding the lives of citizens. They also did the best they could to protect stores from looting, even to the point of standing guard outside throughout the night.

And just what was the alternative? Should they have started firing into the crowd? Filled downtown with pepper spray to the point where no one (not even the cops themselves) would be able to breathe? Should they have spread out and put their individual lives in danger just to protect their squad cars?

Myth: The destruction was done by only a handful of troublemakers

Reality: Five police cars were torched simultaneously over a span of half a dozen blocks. Members of the crowd chipped in when it became clear the mob was in control and nobody would punish them for wanton acts of vandalism. Dozens of people threw glass bottles high into the air, with the intent to injure others. This wasn’t a few isolated cases, this was a mob.

Myth: It’s those crazy leftist activists who were torching police cars

Reality: Again, no evidence of this whatsoever. Some people involved were clearly homeless. Some obviously had a lot of money to waste. You can’t blame this on one identifiable group.

Myth: Most of the crowd were innocent bystanders there to celebrate their team and looked upon the looting/vandalism with disgust

Reality: There are no innocent bystanders (except the media, I hope). Even those who didn’t touch a thing cheered when vehicles looked on the edge of toppling. Others took pictures and video with their cellphones, posting the crappy, highly-compressed, badly-framed, five-second clips of nothing on YouTube with a bunch of exclamation marks noting how awesome it was. All provided a barrier between police looking to make arrests and those who needed to be arrested.

Just because they didn’t do anything doesn’t mean they didn’t contribute to the situation.

Myth: Montreal hockey fans are normally classy people

Reality: You’re kidding me, right? Have you ever been to the Bell Centre?

Myth: Had the police been more forceful, it would have taught people a lesson and the damage would have been minimized

Reality: The opposite would have happened. An arrest outside a shoe store on Ste. Catherine Street forced police to use pepper spray because they were quickly surrounded by angry fans crying police brutality. Never mind the fact that the guy they were arresting was doing everything in his power to resist them and injure them. Every action by police was met with an antagonistic response.

Myth: Closing Ste. Catherine Street will solve this problem next time

Reality: People will just find other places to congregate. René-Lévesque Blvd., St. Laurent, St. Denis, Sherbrooke Street. There are plenty of places. And closing a street will only work if you have the manpower to back it up. Literally putting police officers on every corner of a metropolis isn’t a simple task.

Myth: Once they look at the videos and pictures, police will be able to arrest everyone involved

Reality: Most of those pictures and videos are of such poor quality you couldn’t make out the face of your own mother on them. Even if they do have faces, they have to be identified, which means someone who knows the person has to come forward and rat them out. Then, assuming a positive identification is made, police have to prove that the person actually caused significant damage. Photos might show them kicking a police car, but few capture the more serious acts of vandalism. And those whose actions were minor will get very minor sentences, assuming they are even prosecuted.

Myth: These actions were planned and carefully orchestrated by the vandals

Reality: There’s no evidence of this, and it doesn’t meet with the facts. People didn’t “carry around jugs of gasoline” or Molotov cocktails, they set fire to pieces of cardboard they found laying around. They threw garbage (and garbage cans) they found on the street. It was entirely improvised. People did these things because those around them did too. That’s the power of the mob.

Myth: They just did this so they could post videos on YouTube

Reality: Not once did I see anyone commit an act of vandalism and ask someone to film it. Vandalism was done for its own sake. It was the bystanders who took pictures of the carnage and of themselves standing in front of it.

See also:

• May 17, 2008 — 56 rioters and counting
• May 12, 2008 — The Great Canadiens Conference Quarterfinal Riot Song
• April 25, 2008 — Riot remorse

This is a joke, right? I mean, they’re not actually making a movie about the Maple Leafs, with Justin Timberlake playing a Québécois hockey player?

And one whose jokes are so racist that they end up making us look bad?

See also:

• No related posts