Responding to client frustration at being delayed an hour or more after some depressed person throws himself in front of a speeding metro train to end his life, the STM is testing out a new policy to dramatically cut down on delays caused by such incidents.
Under the old policy, the affected metro line would immediately come to a stop, emergency services personnel would be dispatched to the scene, and they would conduct an investigation while the station was evacuated. The driver would be treated for shock, the body would be carefully and respectfully removed, the area cleaned, and service would resume.
“We found that simply took too long,” the transit agency said in a statement. “So we’re finding ways to innovate and cut down on delays that frustrate users.”
As part of the new policy, once the the freshly deceased corpse will simply be pushed to the side of the track, underneath the platform of the station, to be picked up during overnight cleaning. A sheet would be left over the body so people on the opposing platform don’t gawk, and a surveillance camera would monitor the body to ensure it was not tampered with before police arrive to investigate the scene.
“Our simulations show this method cuts service interruptions down to about 10 minutes,” the STM said. “We’re looking forward to seeing the new system in action.”
Fast, efficient service is the top priority of any transit agency, and it’s nice to see this one is finding a way to deal with all-too-common incidents that cause serious inconveniences for others.
You’re on a roll!
You are a twisted little shit!!
too absurd, even for April fools day!
Also announced is a new program to try and cut down on suicides. The ticket booth attendant at each metro station will lecture the riders as they enter the station about how bad suicide is and that they had better not try it in the station. It is not known as yet if the lectures will be only in French or bilingual.