Tag Archives: April Fool’s Day

Richard Martineau asks François Legault to reconsider his plan to solve reasonable accommodation debate forever

“I’m worried,” Richard Martineau said today. “This could have a major impact on my career.”

Martineau, the LCN host, QUB Radio host, Journal de Montréal columnist, Francs-Tireurs host and next season’s newest judge on La Voix, was referring to how Quebec premier François Legault is finally solving the reasonable accommodation debate after 12 years of it dominating Quebec politics.

Legault’s plan, which he laid out in a video published on Sunday, involves taking a hard line but also improvised compromises calculated to be the most grudgingly acceptable to the maximum number of uninformed people.

But while this new law is guaranteed to end public discussion about the impact of religious and cultural diversity on our society forever, ushering in a period of racial harmony and religious acceptance the likes of which this province has never seen, it will be devastating to the media angrytariat, of which Martineau is a major figure.

“Do you know how hard it is to write a column every day where I’m angry about something? And on top of that host daily TV and radio shows? I don’t have time to find other issues to gripe about,” Martineau yelled, in a voice that sounded sarcastic even though he wasn’t saying anything sarcastic.

“I’m not saying that I don’t have other things to talk about, I do. I can always whine about Radio-Canada or Québec solidaire or celebrities, but nothing brings in the audience like me putting on a burka. This issue is to me what classified ads were to newspapers in the 90s: a moneymaker.”

Martineau said he understands there’s a higher purpose, but he hopes Legault understands the need for us to continue to sarcastically mock each other’s opinions on this issue, and maybe insert a few loopholes into the bill that will cause the debate to flare up again in a few months.

“Not everything needs to be perfect,” Martineau said. “Please, just let me have this.”

Google and Facebook agree to give everyone $100 to just do their own local news reporting

Under fire for sucking up all the advertising money from the print media industry, Google and Facebook have agreed to a groundbreaking new program in which they simply give every Canadian citizen $100 each a year to report on their local communities.

The “Everyone’s a Journalist” program, which begins today, requires people receiving the money to report on at least one local news story per year, including going to town council meetings, interviewing old ladies complaining about something, promoting a bake sale for the children’s hockey team, or filing access to information requests and having secret meetings with dozens of sources to expose corruption at the police department.

“We believe this will be a revolutionary move toward hyperlocal journalism, one that has no real down side,” said Esteban Frobisher, who has been put in charge of the project. “We’re empowering millions of journalists here, and more is always better.”

The program is already having an effect. Frobisher says dozens of stories have already been submitted about how gas prices are rigged and how Jody Wilson-Raybould is a traitor to poor Justin Trudeau and do you want Andrew Scheer in charge of the country, come on.

Cousin Vinny goes crawling back to radio job after failing to be named minister of justice and attorney general of Canada

“Cousin” Vinny Barrucco

Cousin Vinny has quietly returned to the air. The radio DJ went back to his old job — in fact, his old, old job, doing late nights at Virgin Radio — after he was passed over for the job of minister of justice and attorney general of Canada in January.

Vinny Barrucco announced he was leaving The Beat 92.5 on Jan. 29, 15 days after Jody Wilson-Raybould was shuffled out of the justice ministry and into veterans affairs. “I thought to myself, this is my chance, I got to go for it,” he said in an emotional interview. “I’ve always wanted to work in the justice field, but … I guess now is not my time. So I’m back to my other passion, taking requests from drunken teenagers for that song I’ve already played five times in the past two hours.”

After getting over the shock of not being considered for the important ministerial position — in part because David Lametti had been named to the post two weeks earlier — Barrucco took some time off to spend with his family, caught up on a bunch of TV he’d left on his PVR, and is now ready to get back to cramming as much entertainment as he can into the seven seconds of airtime he has between Shawn Mendes and Imagine Dragons.

Passersby say they won’t give La Presse money because wine columnist will just spend it on booze

Two months after launching its voluntary contribution program, La Presse says it has been falling below expectations for donations from the public because of concerns that wine columnist Véronique Rivest will spend their money on alcohol.

“I believe quality journalism is something worth supporting, but I know what they say about wine columnists,” said Avril de Pouassohn as she was asked to spare some change. “I don’t want to make the problem worse by feeding their vices.”

She had similar concerns about donation money being spent on non-essential things like auto reviews, hockey coverage and recaps of La Voix. But it was the spending on alcohol and “drugs like marijuana” that most bothered her.

Rivest said the money would be used for important investigations into political corruption, but evaded the question when asked if she would ever spend money on booze.

De Pouassohn said she would prefer to give her money to a journalism shelter that La Presse can go to. La Presse said the journalism shelter keeps turning it away and it would prefer the cash. But it wishes her a good day.

Quebec TV networks ask cultural institutions to churn out more celebrities for their talk, game and lifestyle shows

Facing an unprecedented shortage in celebrities as talk show guests, game show contestants and artiste-invitée of the week, Quebec’s TV networks banded together to request the province’s cultural training centres create more celebrities to fill those positions.

“We’re reaching the bottom of the barrel of the Union des Artistes,” said Radio-Canada VP Noam Fikteef. “Les Enfants de la télé is down to people who were minor characters on Auberge du chien noir, and just filmed its third special devoted to La Petite vie. We’re desperate.”

The letter is addressed to the École nationale du théâtre, the École nationale de l’humour, as well as ADISQ and Quebec’s sporting associations. “Singers, athletes, struggling comedians, we don’t care at this point. As long as a reasonable case can be made that they’re an artist who should be known by someone, we’ll take them,” Fikteef said.

The fall TV schedule for Radio-Canada, TVA, V, Télé-Québec et al include 35 new shows based on having celebrity guests. As many as half may need to be cancelled if enough celebrities aren’t found.

New Canadian Press millennial-friendly style replaces S with Z for all uses

After previously replacing “per cent” with “%” and doing away with abbreviations on names of states and provinces, The Canadian Press is further bringing its stylebook into the 21st century by adopting a new rule that replaces the letter S with the letter Z for all uses.

As an adherent to CP style I will do the same starting now.

Canadian Prezz’z prezident zaid the change waz a long time coming, and reflectz the evolving Englizh language that millennialz have adopted. He couldn’t point to any actual ztudiez or zurveyz that zhow millennialz have ztopped uzing the letter.

The change to the official ztyle meanz changing the zpellingz of many wordz, and a complete rewrite of itz Capz and Zpelling guide. The provincez of Britizh Columbia, Zazkatchewan, New Brunzwick, Nova Zcotia and Prince Edward Izland, for example. Nova Zcotia now getz abbreviated az N.Z. and Zazkatchewan az Zazk.

Zome Canadian Prezz clientz have already announced they will adopt the new zpelling, including Poztmedia, the Toronto Ztar, Global Newz and Rogerz Zportznet.

The Globe and Mail, CBC and CTV have not yet announced their planz.

One CP journalizt, who zpoke on condition zhe not be named, zaid the change waz an excezzive caze of pandering to youth and zhe would be looking at wayz to rezizt the change.

CP’z francophone counterpart, La Prezze Canadienne, haz not announced any planz to follow zuit with changez to itz zpelling.

Jody Wilson-Raybould excited at new role as overnight DJ on The Beat 92.5

After deciding being a federal minister isn’t for her, Jody Wilson-Raybould announced this morning she’s taking on a new role as overnight announcer on 92.5 The Beat, where she will be presenting the hottest new tracks for an audience of preferably women 18-54.

“I may still be bound by solicitor-client privilege about SNC-Lavalin, but when it comes to the latest music and Hollywood gossip, I can dish dish dish,” JWR joked about her new job. She takes over at midnight starting tonight. “The only pressure I’ll be feeling is the need to get you the sickest beats and not to swear on the air!”

She will be joined by regular contributor Jane Philpott, for a segment called “Jody and Jane’s Juicy Judgments,” where they will talk about celebrity fashions and poor life choices. Though she said she’d take a more human approach than what you might usually hear. “I know what it’s like for anonymous people to talk about you in the media.”

“Anyway, it’s gonna be a hoot,” Wilson-Raybould said. “We’re going to have so much fun, and I can’t wait to connect with our audience.”

MTL Blog to put up paywall

Saying it is not immune to the economic crisis affecting professional journalism outlets around the world, MTL Blog announced this morning it will be putting its award-winning news and lifestyle content behind a paywall and charging visitors $20 a month to read it.

“We understand some of our most loyal fans will be disappointed by this news,” said co-founder Chuck Lapointe, “but we need their financial support to fund our important work into stories like the recent Verdun hostage crisis and our exhaustive list of best Churros in the city. It takes many minutes to write up these stories.”

The paywall will apply to news stories, news listicles and news stories about listicles. Sponsored content will remain free.

TL;DR MTL Blog is putting up a paywall

Canadiens hire Tony Marinaro as GM, coach, equipment manager, athletic therapist…

Describing it as the job he was born for, Tony Marinaro announced this morning that he will be leaving his job at TSN Radio 690 to join the Montreal Canadiens hockey team as general manager, and his first act was to fire the entire front and back offices and install himself in almost every management position at the club.

Effective immediately, Marinaro becomes general manager, director of player personnel, head coach, assistant coach, goaltending coach, video coach, team services coordinator, director of player development, equipment manager, athletic therapist, massage therapist, performance director, sports psychology consultant, nutritionist, pro and amateur scouting director, and director of media relations.

“Dr. David Mulder can keep his job as chief surgeon,” Marinaro said, “but I’ll expect him to check every procedure with me.”

Marinaro, aka “Tony from LaSalle,” has extensive experience in knowing how to manage a professional hockey team, even though he has not formally held the title of head coach or general manager at the NHL level.

“It’s an unconventional pick,” said Canadiens president Geoff Molson. “But Tony spent a few hours explaining it to me using a lot of Italian words I didn’t understand, and when the ringing in my ears stopped, I realized he had a point.”

Besides, Molson said, with Marinaro assuming most of the management jobs, the team can save a lot in salary.

Asked about his plans to turn the season around in its last week, Marinaro said he would “do whatever it takes — WHATEVER IT TAKES — to get the power play back from the dead and get this team scoring SIMONAC” and then ripped his shirt off for some reason.

Marinaro was last spotted in the dressing room yelling expletives at Jonathan Drouin.

24 Heures changes format, to be distributed as anarchist zine

Reeling from the recent loss of exclusive distribution rights in Montreal’s metro system, free daily 24 Heures announced today it will undergo a radical transformation, and as of Monday will be distributed as an anarchist zine.

The zine format, which will see the newspaper photocopied on 8.5×11″ letter-sized sheets folded in half, will give it a more edgy look, its publisher explains. The entire paper will be in black and white only, and editors will abandon the sleek digital layout tools they have been using for 15 years and instead lay articles out by hand.

“We hope these changes, combined with a new editorial focus, will help us better reach the youth market,” a note to readers explained. In an interview, the publisher (who did not want his name published) said the idea was to “be more like Vice News and other things the youth like.”

24 Heures will continue to be distributed by people on the street, particularly outside metro stations, but those distributors will change their looks. Gone will be the orange vests, replaced with black ones that have anti-government and anti-corporate stickers and pins all over them.

Distributor Marc Quenneville says he looks forward to adopting the new fight-the-man attitude. “Finally there will be a newspaper that stands up for the working man,” he said.

Monday’s first issue of the new 24 Heures will be sponsored by Subway.

CBC admits it already spent $675 million in new federal money on coke-fuelled orgy

The Canadian Broadcasting Corporation is in hot water with federal Heritage Minister Mélanie Joly after admitting it already spent the promised $675-million in additional federal funding on a coke-filled orgy for top executives last month.

“We will be conducting an investigation into this incident, but I want to remind everyone that the CBC is an arms-length organization and the federal government will not dictate how it is to spend its money,” Joly explained today at a press conference in Montreal.

Details are sketchy, but it appears that some time around St. Patrick’s Day, senior executives including the board of directors and everyone at the vice-president level and above checked into an expensive hotel in Toronto and went to town on drugs and prostitutes. Cocaine was specifically referenced, but it’s believed heroin, methamphetamine and other drugs were also used, as well as “a considerable quantity” of marijuana.

Board member A. Prelfoulle is still in critical condition at a Toronto hospital being treated for an overdose.

Joly said it’s unfortunate more of the drugs and prostitutes were not shared with more front-line employees, who have also had it rough over the past few years. “I’m sure some of them would have liked this extra money,” she said, once again stressing that the government will not dictate how the corporation is to spend its money.

Normand Brathwaite announces retirement as counterexample to criticisms of racism in Quebec media

Normand Brathwaite as François Bugingo parodying Uptown Funk

Normand Brathwaite in one of his last but-we-have-a-black-guy roles in Bye-Bye 2015

Normand Brathwaite, who for 35 years has proudly been Quebec’s go-to counterexample when confronted with criticisms of racism in the media, says he’s ready to hang up his token hat.

In an announcement posted to Facebook this morning, just after his latest contract with the Union des artistes expired, Brathwaite wrote that it’s time to pass the hat to a new generation of token black guys.

“In my 35 years in showbusiness, I’ve seen a lot of changes,” he wrote. “I went from being the only black guy in a room full of white people to being the only black guy in a room full of white people with a few arabs around.”

Brathwaite pointed to young black actors whose names I couldn’t recognize and said the future of making white people feel less guilty about profiting from a system that discriminates in their favour was in their hands.

But it’s expected that musician and TV and radio host Gregory Charles will take up much of the slack of being referenced by hard-line Quebec sovereignists and media executives alike in smug defiant response to people who say we’re not seeing enough diversity on television screens.

The Parti Québécois issued a statement congratulating Brathwaite for his service. “As an experienced counterexample myself, I know the amount of commitment it takes to be a perfect token, and the toll it takes on you to be constantly used in Twitter discussions between partisan trolls,” said Maka Kotto, on behalf of the entire PQ black caucus. “You should be proud, as I am, of how comfortable you’ve made white people feel for decades now.”

The sudden departure of Brathwaite has led to some scrambling from some quarters, with one Télé-Québec executive asking around if he could consider Adib Alkhalidey a black guy “or just a general ethnic.”

CRTC proposes “hottie basic” rules that would offer all Canadians free TV porn

As Canadians look to new “skinny basic” packages by cable companies with a sense of disappointment, the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission has decided to try again to win consumers over with a new set of packaging rules.

The new proposal, to be released today, calls for all providers to offer a new “hottie basic” package that would include mandatory channels and at least two pornographic channels, at least one of which would have to be Canadian. The porn channels would have to be offered at a price of $0.69 each, CRTC commissioner Jean-Michel Rousseau said with a nudge.

Rumours of the proposal led to immediate questions about quality, and whether there would be a regulatory way to distinguish, say, Playboy TV from the kind of bland, poorly produced crap you can find anywhere on the Internet these days.

Rousseau said the commission has similar concerns, and has proposed a working group of himself and “mon chum Yannick” to personally monitor the channels offered to see if they meet the commission’s standards. “But we won’t do that together, because eww.”

If all goes according to plan, consumers could see their hottie basic packages as early as Valentine’s Day 2017.

Bell makes $1.2-trillion offer for federal government

Bell parent company BCE Inc., in its most ambitious takeover move yet, has put together a hostile, $1.2-trillion offer for a majority stake in the Government of Canada.

The offer, which was just announced, would make BCE the largest company in the country, and make Canada the largest privately-owned country in the world.

“We were reaching the limits of what we could do under the current federal framework,” Bell says in a note to investors explaining the proposal. “Our board of directors concluded that the only way to continue our growth was to seek to acquire the federal government itself.”

Once the acquisition is complete, Bell would control Canada’s military, its banks, and transportation and telecommunications companies. “The increased flexibility that will come from having a controlling stake in regulatory bodies will give us the power to expand just about every aspect of our business,” the note said.

Analysts were mixed on the proposed deal. Ceci Etonpuassohn of RBC Capital Markets said BCE would be in a highly leveraged position if this deal were to go through, and he wasn’t convinced that the increased ability to levy taxes on 35 million customers would be enough to pay off the massive debt that would be undertaken. “I might have preferred a different option, like a joint deal with Shaw communications and Rogers, or maybe if they’d just started with buying a small province first, as a test run.”

If accepted by Canada’s current owner, Tim Horton, the deal would also require approval from the CRTC, since it changes its own effective ownership. This means approval would likely take another year.

AM980 to adopt all-Star-Trek-talk format

Star Trek Radio

AM980, the radio station once known as Radio Fierté before the French-language LGBT format was abandoned last fall, will be reborn as NCC-980, an innovative new format devoted entirely to discussing Star Trek.

“We’re going to be the first of our kind in this part of the world,” explained Q’lolohk Nagh (born Benjamin Stankowski), who owner Evanov Radio has hired as program director for the station. “This format has cross-generational appeal, attracting a millennial male audience while also going after nostalgic baby boomers and Gen-Xers.”

Nagh said he’s already lined up a few on-air personalities, though he wouldn’t name any names. He’s also promised “bulkhead-to-bulkhead coverage” of the upcoming Montreal Comiccon in July, which has William Shatner, Nichelle Nichols and Kate Mulgrew lined up as guests. “I’m working hard to get them in studio, but nothing’s confirmed yet,” Nagh said.

While there will be the usual Kirk-vs-Picard debates, Nagh said that to fill a full 24/7 schedule, the discussions need to be more interesting than that. He plans to bring on philosophers to debate metaphysical issues (when you transport somewhere, is that really you that materializes?), have creators of fan art discuss their creations, follow the latest news about new series and movies, and of course discuss favourite episodes and movies. One show being planned will also discuss alternate-reality scenarios, a sort of what-if for various storylines.

And capitalizing on the popularity of the “rewatch podcast” format, there will be shows devoted to accompanying fans in the rewatching of classic episodes and movies.

“There’s going to be everything here for old fans, new fans and people who want to be fans,” Nagh said. “We want to be very inclusive. Not assimilated-by-the-Borg inclusive, but welcoming,” he said with a snort.

Nagh, 15, said details of the lineup and programming should be available this summer with the station launch planned this fall. And unlike the previous formats of AM980, which have included Christmas music and easy-listening music, “we intend Star Trek Radio to live long and prosper.”